Sex and suffering

“It requires so many words to express so simple understanding”

Lazy Wise man

sex animalThere is so heavy conditioning around sex that make human beings suffering a lot. Sex became a very important issue in the modern society. How come that this animalistic simple fucking business used by nature normally for procreation looks so valuable and complex in human life?

It is a complex topic because it includes the most of the human conditionings introduced by society and nature together. Let us try to go slow diving deeply in understanding of every statement of this article, meditating on it.

Environment:  basic reasons of human suffering.

  • Any human suffering comes from the identification with body and personality. The stronger identification the deeper suffering.
  • A person is just a set of ideas and descriptions received during his/her life time mostly from other people and recorded in memory – name, values, goals, ideas, common reactions and patterns etc. coming mostly from society and having cultural features.
  • A person is very complex structure with many roles and ideas about right – “How it has to be” and wrong – when to feel shame, guilt, diffidence etc. One can manage to fit some of them but it is not possible in principle to fit and to be good in all these required roles played by humans every day. And because this world is “The World of Change” in most cases we cannot sustain them forever. Like my body grows old and I suffer if I still play the role of successful male/female. And we compare ourselves with ideal sample – the fastest and easiest way to suffering.

Individual and society

The individual and society have completely different purpose and meaning of life.

Individual meaning is an evolution when the personality has to be dropped and he/she has to return to the Natural State which we call Enlightenment.

The purpose of any society is just to be continued. That’s why society pays so much attention to procreation – it declares that procreation and children are the main and the highest values, the main and most important result of human life. For that society promotes the development and empowering of personality using all kinds of conditionings. And then it is easy to control and direct a person to fulfill the society goal.

As a result of such brain wash most people spend the whole life raising children and chasing other social goals like family, career, sex, money etc.  They do nothing to fulfill their individual goal – to come back to the Natural State of Enlightenment. Most people even never heard about this meaning of life and have no idea what is it all about.

So, what kind of conditioning makes people to feel so tensed and unhappy about sex?

  • I need people like, respect and appreciate me
  • I have to be a great lover.
  • Sex is the greatest pleasure human can ever get
  • Sex is good for health and absolutely needed
  • Sex and love go always together. They are almost the same
  • I need to love and to be loved
  • Family and children have very high value. Without it life is meaningless and empty
  • Communication between people is highly important. Lack of it makes life miserable and lonely
  • I carry the fear to fail in being a good lover. It is a great shame to be incapable and week in sex
  • I am a man/woman. My male/female qualities have to be strong and bright to attract a partner. And that is deadly serious. Without it I am miserable looser. My partner is going to lose his/her interest in me
  • Etcetera, etcetera and etcetera

We could continue this long list of ideas in our heads which compel us to take a lot of efforts to fulfill the requirements.  But all these ideas are wrong just because all of them are the way to satisfy the society. All of them are the source of our inner conflict and suffering and have nothing to do with my life meaning as individual being.

The main conditioning is that: if I satisfy all society requirements I will be happy and content. But it is opposite – the more I follow society rules and conditioning the more unhappy I feel, I suffer more, my life becomes a burden without freedom and light. My identification with person gets stronger and heavier.


To get our freedom back we need to get rid of the personal conditioning. Because we were being conditioned for quite long time to get rid of conditioning takes also some time to destroy all habits and structures accumulated in our energy body from the early childhood.

This can be done on different levels of understanding:

Let’s first consider the “benefits” of sex and find out if they are really so attractive and beneficial. We try to change the attitude to sex at the level of the personal mind.

  • Sex is pleasurable: Yes, it is the most pleasurable experience for those who never had spiritual experience during meditation or other spiritual practice. Normal human being lives on so low level of consciousness and energy that this minor float of energy in the body produced by sex is received like great event. But even compared with psychedelic drugs like LSD or mushrooms sex experience looks like nothing – it is very short and has very low intensity. Spiritual practice usually gives you great variety of all kind of pleasures and happy feelings. It creates powerful movements of energy in our body which we feel as unconditional happiness, love or joy, profound understanding and oneness with the universe. And it has no poisoning effects like drugs and no loosing of energy like sex does. The funny thing that pleasure disappears when we have sex with the same partner for some years. Then we look for a new partner if with new one the pleasure could last forever. This little miserable pleasure has very high price meanwhile – it is the sources of the deepest suffering in human life. Romeo and Juliet story is the very impressive example of human foolishness.  At the age of fifteen you have no idea what is love but only sexual attraction drives you. It is good example how society brain wash works sometimes coursing even suicide.
  • Sex is needed to be healthy: This is just another bull shit idea in the long queue of many other human bull shit. When man ejaculates he looses a lot of Ojas – the unique energy which we get when we are born and we die when Ojas is finished. That is why a man feels tired after sex. Sex makes our body weaker and life shorter. Sex is not healthy.
  • Tantric sex is good: Also not true. In tantric sex you do not loose Ojas  but you harm yourself at the higher level – at the level of the mind which is much more heavy damage then just to harm your body . Tantric practitioners get obsessed with sex as a rule and quickly get tired if he/she does it with intensity. You can see that most tantric people end up in normal mono relationship after 2-3 years. At the level of Ego it is just a human greed to have more pleasure. And especially ironical and funny that people easy agree to believe that tantric sex is spiritual practice. Instead of being spiritual and do serious practice of high vibrations they want to catch spirituality benefits together with low  vibration animalistic pleasure. It also makes our Ego stronger , stronger identification with male/female  – I am a real Man, I am a beautiful Woman, develops even stronger attachments and dependency on the other people. Women can get even stronger addiction to sex if her orgasm is good and multiple. It can become real obsession.
  • Another tantric obsession is high valuation of Energy. Very little people understand that energy is just the tool to reach higher level of consciousness. Any change in body-mind state is a move of energy. We can receive energy movements as feelings, emotions, thoughts, mood change, sensations etc. We used to chase a pleasure – that’s why we value energy so much. But consciousness we normally cannot feel. Not many people have an experience of presence or even higher states of consciousness and incredible joy of absence of energy movements. It is different way of perception. Consciousness transforms our being. Energy just amplifies what we already have, makes everything stronger including suffering and pleasures. Ego gets just Super Ego with high energy level and disappears and melts to Nothing with increasing of consciousness. Great excess of energy in your body/mind system can suddenly raise you consciousness and you can be transformed but not because of energy but consciousness. Easy to get mixed up.
  • Sex is needed in life: Sex is just highly addictive habit. As we can see people may live without sex and not have any physiological or psychological problems: virgins till marriage, man in Muslim countries, monks …. It depends just on point of view, conditioning, values system. It is society and education push people towards sex, focuses our attention on the subject because society needs to make us to procreate. We feed the idea of sex necessity with our attention and develop the strong addiction practicing it regularly. When we have a break in sexual life we suffer the same way when we quit smoking or drugs addiction – bodily and psychologically. But we can quit also the same way as smoking – just change the attitude and wait for some time when body rebuild metabolism.
  • Love and sex always come together: There is even bigger confusion here. In Yoga it is very clear that sex comes from 1st and 2nd chakras – very low animalistic vibrations. But love lives in the heart chakra which is two chakras higher and vibrations here are very spiritual, beautiful and have nothing to do with sex and procreation. Modern men lives and feels at the level of 1st and 2nd chakras and goes to heart chakra very rarely or never. He/she knows just a relationship based on attachments, pleasures and needs of ego like security, worth of family and children, fear to stay alone and being different from everybody around, society judgment etc. It has nothing to do with love. That’s why we are mixed up and put together such completely different things like love and sex.
  • I am looser if nobody needs me: You are real looser when you manage to find somebody and make a family because you are deceived by society. Because you devote the whole life to activity which is not yours, which you do not need. You execute the program developed especially for you by society to fulfill the society goal. You are brain washed that without it you will be unhappy looser and that this is direct way to happiness for everybody. This is done to make us to procreate and raise children (new society members) in the safe family environment. In reality you spend the best time of your life working hard to support children, paying mortgage, living with the partner without love and even sex but just for the sake of children and just out of habit and fear to change anything or being lonely. One day looks the same as another. And again the most funny that this boring full of stress and no joy life is completely meaningless. You give life to your child who will just repeat the same meaningless life and continue the chain. For what? And people are so naïve to believe that their children life will be better. No chance – it will be absolutely the same like yours if they do not meet somebody who can show them how it works here. We are designed to be alone. Then we can follow our real destiny and be free and happy. You do not need anybody because you are everything. We can find happiness, meaning and balance only inside while our conditioning turns us outside – to the world of objects and false values. I have to be very stupid if I try to build my happiness based on dependency on this instantly changed world. And especially bad idea is to count on people – the most unbalanced and unhappy creatures on the planet. The best position is to stay alone and choose the people to communicate when and who you like today.
  • I want to be a perfect male/female and this is of great value: It is typical herd psychology – to fight and compete for female/male partner. As my friend told me recently that every time after 10 days of vipasana retreat it took couple weeks for him and his wife before their sex life came back to normal. Right after the retreat  they did not really understand why they did sex. Why they made these ugly movements without any pleasure but with some rough low frequency sensations in the body. We are taught by society to value high our masculinity and femininity. But this is not even human but animal conditioning – the lowest way to identify myself.

Do you have some doubts now that sex is so beautiful, pleasurable and important? I hope you do because these doubts are going to make your life much lighter, easier and happier if you give them the chance to grow through your heavy conditioning.

Change attitude and identification

  • In animal world there are much less ideas about sex. If male dog’s height is 20 cm and the height of female dog is 1 meter he does not think “I am not worthy”, it is just matter how to reach the attractive place. And he will try without hesitation.  If female says “No” the male does not take it personally  if he is defective or imperfect.  He does not carry this trauma the whole life as human can do. They take it healthy and easy –“ No” means just No. No complex conditioning. We do not need such complexity especially in such animalistic and simple matter as sex. The best way to stop suffering is to change the approach to sex back to animal one instead of pulling it up to human level.
  • Human consciousness is so “high” and sophisticated that it is able to create an artificial entity – person inside of God and totally identify with it, separate original Self from reality.  Sex is much lower then human nature, it neither main property of me as a person nor as a spiritual being. To stop suffering we need to stop identification with male/female and live just on two lowest chakras. We have to remember our beautiful human nature and move our attention to higher chakras, appreciate human qualities like intelligence, kindness, courage, honor, sincerity, openness, compassion, unconditional love, selflessness etc. We have to shift identification from animal to human at least and stop to value and define each other based on how many orgasms I can get or how her/his body is sexually attractive.
  • The best valuating system I know is to estimate people by the distance they made from animal nature and human conditioning – how old is your soul.  Soul moves from one life to next one slowly moving up along chakras creating longer gap from animalistic body needs and features. The higher one’s spirit the less Ego remains, the less suffering one experiences, the better life one has, closer to the destination one comes. The best identification which is available to us is identification with the Spirit, God, my Self, consciousness and bliss without form. It is rather difficult to discuss the sexuality of me as a Spirit is not it. In old times people felt ashamed to demonstrate their animalistic nature, they considered sex as a shame. They remembered better who they are, their spiritual nature.

Findings and conclusions

  • The root of my suffering is in my conditioning, ideas about sex
  • I consider these ideas as very serious and true
  • Sex and all ideas around it like family and children influence my life mostly in negative way making me suffering
  • I doubt if the benefits and pleasures of sex are so great
  • The price in the form of suffering and hard meaningless life which I pay for sex is much to high
  • Love is joy and beauty, sex is not love but just insignificant pleasure
  • If people around do not understand the issue and judge me and themselves with usual approach I do not have to judge them. I do not take in consideration even their opinions because it is just mechanical application of society conditioning.
  • I am not my sexual capabilities. I am much more then that
  • To stop suffering I have to drop my ideas around sex or at least not take them so serious
  • I have to receive myself as Pure Spirit or at least as a human. My sexual life can be pleasant or not but it does not define myself in any way.
  • I want to be happy. For that I cannot rely on something which is based completely on my conditioning. Happiness and joy of life have to be unconditional. Then I cannon loose it. And this statement is not another conditioning – absence of conditioning is not a conditioning.

At the end I want to say that it is not final truth and invite everybody to participate in the discussion. It is anonymous and you can write whatever you think about it. It will be a good play ground to find the truth, go in the subject even deeper and at the same time we could see here regular and unusual conditioning about sex, society, life and spirituality.

I thank everybody for participation and sharing your feelings and ideas about this topic.

One thought on “Sex and suffering

  1. My tennis trainer told me always: you are not how you play tennis. Just take it easy and enjoy the process
    And in the movie 7 years in Tibet when Brad Piet tried to impress the Tibetan girl with his body jumping around she told him: “In my country women appreciate the spirit of man but not his muscles”. Beautiful statement.

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